Tipping Should be Banned in America. My Five Rules for Leaving a Tip.

The practice of tipping in the United States should be discontinued. Tipping in America has really gotten out of hand. Everywhere you go, you’re expected to tip someone. Recently, I went to a pizza joint and sat at the counter. They had a tip jar there. It had a nickel and a penny. Good, I thought. No one’s tipping. Me neither.

My friends tell me that I should tip, especially in restaurants. I think that’s the last place I should tip for service because there is no way for me to serve myself, and the main reasons I went to the restaurant was to get served. If they want my money for the service they are performing, then they should put in my bill. I shouldn’t have to guess what my server should get paid.

I agree with this Esquire author who says tipping should be made illegal.

This little diatribe brings me to my five rules for tipping:

Rule 1: If I am able to do the task in which the person I am tipping is doing for me, then I should tip the person. For instance, a bell hop at a hotel should get a tip because theoretically I can take my own luggage to my room. He’s doing me a favor, so I should tip him. I wasn’t expecting the service, and it wasn’t why I was at the hotel. I am perfectly able to bring my luggage to my room, so that extra free service should get a tip.

  • I should NOT tip a waitress, because I can’t go into the restaurant’s kitchen and place my order and then pick it up to bring back to my table.
  • I should NOT tip the person cutting my hair because I can’t cut my own hair, but I should tip (the person) if I get my hair washed because I could have washed it at home before I came in to get a haircut.
  • Car wash guy. I tip him because I could dry the car off myself or let it dry off myself. And I am getting my car WASHED, not dried. See rule #2 below.

Rule 2: I don’t tip if it’s the main feature of what I am using the service. For example, at the hotel. I’m paying for a room to stay in (sleep in, poop in, use the towels etc.), so any extra service should be an extra fee. The bell hops should get a tip. The maids should not. A cabbie should not get a tip for driving me somewhere, but he should get a tip if he handles my bags in and out of the vehicle. That’s an extra service.

  • Massage Therapist shouldn’t get a tip. Why else am I there? My doctor doesn’t get a tip.
  • The doorman should get a tip because I can open the door myself and hail my own cab
  • Coat check person should get a tip because I’m at the restaurant to eat food, not get my coat hung up (hanged?).

Any counter person shouldn’t get a tip. That means you, Dunkin Donuts and Starfucks (yeah, I meant Starfucks—you fuckers.)

Rule 3: If I want to curry favor, then I’ll release a tip from my greasy palm.

Of course, you should tip if you want to curry favor. Like in a bar. You shouldn’t have to tip a bartender for serving you a drink, but you should tip a bartender if you want preferential treatment in a very crowded bar. My father used to tip the dock master handsomely, so he (my father) got away with a lot, like having an oversized boat in the slip, putting the boat in too late, leaving it in too long, etc. Tipping for bribery sake is good, but we shouldn’t tip people for doing their normal jobs.

Valets should get a tip because they are offering an extra service. Even if they only have valet service, you could park far away and walk. Or take the bus. Also, my rule #2 says that is not the main event (i.e. eating the restaurant.)

My wife tips the movers (on both legs of the move) and provides sandwiches and sodas. I’m not sure if I need to tip the movers. However, when they’re packing my stuff and before the actual move, I will tip because I am trying to curry favor. But when they arrive, unpack and the move is over, then no way, Jose. No tip for you. Okay, I’ll give you a doughnut.

Maître D’. I can’t show myself to a table, but maybe a table would magically open up if I tipped him. My father was a master at this. My father would slip him a twenty and the Maitre d’ would say, “Right this way.” I would look at the long line behind me and say, “So long, suckers!” But I don’t have the balls to do that. I just go to another restaurant. Anyway, the point is a maître d is a good palm to grease if you need that table.

Rule 4: If I benefit from you being around

This mainly applies to casino dealers and hot dental hygienists. Casino dealers really don’t deserve a tip in accordance to my three rules above. 1) I can’t deal the cards myself, so no tip. 2) Getting cards dealt to me is the main reason I am going to the casino, so no tip. 3) I shouldn’t have to curry favor; that would seem illegal. So, no tip. But if I’m winning at the table, then yeah, I’ll throw her a few chips like I’m some big shot. I must have gotten some luck from her. She deserves the tip.

Actually, I don’t tip the dental hygienists, but I probably should. I’ve had some that were deserving of a nice tip.

Rule 5: If I want to feel like a big shot.

“Hey, Jose, here’s a tip for you. Those hubcaps are looking nice and shiny. Go buy yourself a sandwich.”

Throwing ones to all sorts of folk as if I’m some important guy is my last rule for tipping. How does this apply. Well, if I’m in a restaurant and the guy fills my water, I stuff a one in his pocket, making sure everyone sees me.

Now, let’s get rid of all this tipping nonsense.

Personally, I am tired to be made feel guilty because my tip supplements their salary. That’s a ridiculous notion. Why should I have to guess as to what a waitresses pay should be? I don’t know the details of her job. I don’t know what goes on behind the scenes. Why should I have to guess whether she gets $2 or $4, 15% or 20%. It’s a headache for me, and these restaurants make my experience there that much less enjoyable. I should be able to tip at my leisure, therefore applying Rule #5 (see above in case skipped to this section).

What I don’t understand is why it isn’t customary to tip the bag person at the grocery store. This follows my rule. I can bag my own groceries. The main event is buying groceries. Getting them bagged is extra. You may ask, “Yeah, asshole, why don’t you tip the person bagging your groceries?” My answer is that I have done just that plenty of times, but most of the times, I get funny looks—even from the person I gave the tip to. So, I don’t tip them that often, but I should. I wish I could do it as freely as tipping a waitress, but now I just feel funny about it. I wish it was more acceptable because they deserve a tip just as much as a valet, a bell hop, a hot dental hygienist etc.

BUT this author doesn’t seem to think so:

“Keep in mind that when you’re tipping a service person at your hotel, you’re essentially paying a part of that person’s salary.” — http://www.independenttraveler.com/travel-tips/hotel-and-b-and-b/hotel-tipping

Paying a part of that person’s salary? Screw that. That’s not my responsibility.

Enough with the guilt trips.


  • Doorman should get a tip because I can open the door myself and hail my own cab.
  • Waitress shouldn’t get a tip because I can’t serve myself.
  • Maid shouldn’t get a tip because I am paying for a hotel room to sleep in a clean bed.
  • Hairdresser shouldn’t get a tip because I can’t cut my own hair and it’s the main reason I’m there.
  • Shampoo girl should get a tip because I can wash my own hair, so that’s an extra free service.
  • Bartender should get a tip because I want better service than everyone else.
  • Valet should get a tip because I can park my own car.
  • Bell hop should get a tip because I can carry my own luggage to my room.
  • Cabbie shouldn’t get a tip because that’s the main reason I hired him.
  • Dock master should get a tip, so I can get away with shit.
  • Airport Limo Driver should get a tip—only if he carries my bags into the shuttle.
  • Massage Therapist shouldn’t get a tip. What else was I doing there?
  • Movers shouldn’t get a tip for moving my stuff, but they should get a tip as an insurance policy against losing or breaking my stuff.

Appendix A:

If the tipping thing is to prevail, then we should include these people:

Move Theater Guy: He ripped my ticket. I could have done it. But he did it, so he should get a tip.

Home Depot Helper Person: I could have found the box of nails after fifteen minutes of looking, but someone helped me. She should also get a tip.

Counter Person at the Gym: They said “Hi.” I could have looked in the mirror and done the same thing. They should also get a tip—especially if they hold eye contact long enough for my reply.

Exterminator: I could have killed the bugs myself, but I chose not to. He should get a tip.

The Mailman: I probably could go down to the post office to pick up my mail. He should get a tip.

Tour Guide: I could have backed my ass into the Louvre just like anyone else, but the tour guide did for me. She should get a tip.

Landscaper: He picked up the grass clippings. I could have done that. He should get a tip. (Actually, he does every Christmas.)

Auto Mechanic: He didn’t break anything. He should get a tip.

My Neighbor: For not being an asshole every day of the week, he should get a tip.

Dental Hygienists: For being hot and pushing those knockers in my face while getting my teeth cleaned, she should get a tip.

Okay, I’m done. This tipping thing has really gone to my head. If I left anyone off of my list of people who we should now start tipping, please let me know in the comments section below.

Thank you for reading.